Tomorrow Starts as Forever Ends.

•October 30, 2016 • Leave a Comment

One year. I was working on getting by one day at a time. Even up until now I feel like I had to lock away a part of me just to deal with everything I put on the line.

A year later, I never thought after all the “picking up the pieces” I’ve been doing I could easily shatter again. I guess it just goes to show how much of myself I’ve given despite all my fears. All it took was a simple hello. It threw me off kilter. I can’t even say if I minded or not. All I know is there were so many “whys and why now” in my head.

I am always amazed how well we got each other’s thoughts. How crazy dreams made sense to both of us even when it seemed like it wouldn’t, you were my best friend. You were my comfort zone. My “me-time” meant time with you. I had a life outside of you, but you were my haven. The one place I felt I didn’t need to be strong. I was just me, all the good and the flaws  right there before you. All I wanted was to be that same haven for you.

Oh the dreams of the future! It hurt when you spoke of your plans after so many conversations when you said you didn’t want to do them. Now, you’ve gone ahead and started on those very plans and “what ifs” that I kept telling you put the passion in your eyes. I’m no longer part of the picture. That upset me more than I thought it would. “Why only now?”, I kept asking myself. I kept crying to myself shedding tears inside that would never fall.

The day I walked away I cried. I cried like I didn’t know if I could stop. I didn’t know if I could really walk away. Honestly, I hoped you would stop me. Fight to keep me. Still, something in me said it wasn’t going to happen. I was never the woman a man fought to keep. I was the woman used as an anchor. Used as long as there was a purpose. But never fought to be kept. Kept for as long as I had something in me to give. That day there was nothing left but now I see I held on to a sliver of hope when you said you’d always be there. But I was right. My gut instincts were right. but still in the past year there was a part of me you owned.

You gave me years of knowing how deep I could love. Knowing I could have probably given even more if you’ve given me the chance. I always felt you were just waiting for me to leave no matter how much I put my foot down to stay. Yet, I felt pushed and forgotten. And I can only handle so much pushing, so much forgetting.

Let me also say thank you. The memories built by happy moments are ones I would never replace. The feeling that everyday I wake up is a chance for a waking moment with you, no matter how fleeting. Another night I slept, is another night that brings me to the day I get to be with you when we were schedules apart. I can’t remember when I laughed so hard when it seemed we were the only ones who got the joke in the movies. Remembering when we’d have whole discussions on why certain ideas, practices, cultures, mindsets exist. The moments we get so bored we people watch and make up all sort of stories. You brought so much laughter to my other wise very quiet life of books and music and more books. I found out what a real warm comforting hug was like. The warmth of you smelled like home to me. I could pick you out in a crowd just by how you smell, that was always a weird truth. How just having your hand on my back could ease my pains with the heat until I fall asleep. Thank you for all the  afternoons and evenings we stayed home and you cooked for me because we’re cheapskates. The 1 hour interval before your work starts and after mine ends were precious. I lived for every second of that hour. Food always tasted better shared with you and conversation. We never seemed to run out of anything to talk about for hours. I miss the quiet time we each had a book and my head was resting on your tummy or my leg on your leg. I remember the feeling of how it was to share the same dream as we ate half a roll of cake  and consumed 2 pots of tea.

You were my sanctuary. My solace. The place I felt safe and calm was in your arms. That was my mistake I guess. Now I have to create all that with just me. I’m fine. I can do it. I am strong and independent after all. Still that was not the point. I need not prove how strong I am; not to myself or anyone. It never felt like years of togetherness when I thought of you. You always excited me. I was always looking forward to seeing you. The thought of you always made me smile. I could feel and I was not ashamed I did. I was not ashamed to say you meant so much to me. I know no other way to love than to give all I’ve got. Fears, self-preservation and insecurities be damned I loved and I was proud it was you. I was proud of you.

But it’s been over a year. The conversations in my head tell me it’s time that I leave things be. Wounds will heal and scars will bring memories,  but everyday is another day to take a step and live life anew.  I don’t know if I’m better. I can talk about you and not cry. I don’t cry anymore. Sometimes I wish I did. I just get really tired and sad. But it seems I can’t feel enough to cry. I don’t know how to trust enough anymore to feel.

You sent me a drunken message goodbye. I have to admit to myself you could have been the one person I gave a second chance to but I’ll stop because now that’s nonsense. You were the one I could actually imagine growing old with, doing chores and daily routines. It’s probably just me and my bout of self pity and depression. I knew you would never try any harder for me. Love was supposed to be easy with the right person. I guess I wasn’t because I am anything but easy to have in anyone’s life.

Tomorrow is another day. Another foot forward and another day to plaster a smile on my face. Another day I talk to myself saying I will make it through… just another day. I’m strong and there is so much of life to experience. There is so much. Note to self: you still have your bucket list, you have got a lot to give others, just one day at a time. Listen to your brain. One day at a time. Start with tomorrow. Listen to your brain, it makes more sense.

 

The same, yet different.

•June 23, 2016 • Leave a Comment

It was a good conversation. It always was with us. Anything and everything made sense. Even the things that made no sense to others.

It’s as if no time has passed.

But it’s different somehow.

Or maybe that’s just me.

Funny how you can get me off-kilter.

 

 

I miss you.

•June 7, 2016 • Leave a Comment

I miss you. 

The very open and trusting person you used to be.

This time you get disappointed when you find out the words were no lies. Such irony.

 

I miss the good mornings you gave because you really wanted to and not because you’re just being polite.

 

The “go sleep and rest; Have a good day, I’ll let you work”, because you feel they may think you’re caring too much and so you cut short the conversation. But saying those words because you feel for the person after such a long day.

 

I miss the person who felt no need for guards that the eyes light up when you see who is special to you.

 

I miss the you who did not shove feelings into a box well-guarded and watched over. Never to be talked about no matter what the circumstances.

 

I miss how your feelings were proudly worn for all to see. You were happy to care, you were happy to love. 

 

But she’s gone. Lost. Who knows if she’ll ever be back. All that love and sweetness that she was, gone. Taken away. All I see are shells and walls. Cracked in areas but held together still. I miss how happy you were to give what makes who is special to you happy. I miss how warm you felt when you knew the night is just another count to the day you have someone special.

 I think she never woke up. She’s lost to a coma. Cold and dark oblivion. Maybe when it’s time she’ll dare open her eyes. Maybe she’ll thaw and no longer feel the chill.


 

Until such a time comes when you are ready I’ll just watch you walk away. I’ll watch you as you sleep. I’ll respect the box of feelings not to be touched. Until then, I’ll miss you.

I’ll miss me.

Comfort Zones

•June 1, 2016 • 2 Comments

It’s been quite a year for me. 12 months ago I made a decision to do quite a few things different. After several talks with a few friends it was time to step out of my comfort zone.

I deal with people on a daily basis as part of my job so by choice, I tend to veer away when I’m not on the clock. I’m an introvert and very socially selective so I don’t deal with people very well. I find it exhausting. Give me a book, let me on YouTube or let me have coach potato time and I am a happy Piglet. The thing is doing all that does not allow me to experience something new.

2016 and I was pretty new at my job and just several months into the life of do something different. I went to the gym, went back to  arnis, took zumba classes and belly dancing classes on my own all as part of doing something different. Made a few new friends. Got scared of projects but took them on anyway. Thought of dating which didn’t really happen. The part that was a challenge was meeting people from 20 years back. This year Batch ’96 celebrates 20 years since graduating from our High school Angelicum School. I have not been back and other than my close friends have not kept in touch any further than facebook with the rest. Not even facebook for some.

I never thought that agreeing to help out with batch reunion arrangements would throw me into the thick of things. How it happened is a long sordid story of its own. The next thing I know my messenger apps were ringing and beeping all too often. I had non-work meetings, basketball games, dinners and what-not scheduled into my life. How did I take it? One day at a time. Was I still people scared? Yes. Every single day.

The odd part, I met up mostly with people I hardly ever even knew back in High shcool. Me back then was someone people couldn’t really talk to as the “inglesera” “nosebleed” “snob” pretty much was how people saw me. I knew of these batchmates but I did not know much about who they were as people.

I HAD FUN. I went out of my comfort zone of people and I had fun. It was interesting to see how people have and maybe some haven’t grown up and matured. It was interesing to hear them discuss their opinions and convictions when it comes to life, family, business, love and growing up. It was also amusing to walk down memory lane and have a laugh at all the escapades people have had along the way.

Working on the reunion also got me in touch with those I knew well enough back then and it felt good to reconnect and swap stories of life. But most of those I really got to know again are the ones I barely knew, and some I have no recall at all I am ashamed to say.

What touched me most was the way everyone rallied for the batch when we faced the problem of the reunion possibly not pushing through. The people who were here in the country made time to show up and stayed til morning. Thse who could not make it and were out of the country sent in pledges to help out and the Reunion did happen we spent the whole night’til morning catching, laughing, reminiscing and talking shop. It was having to talk to way more people than I am used to but it was all good.

I’m happy to say I see different perspectives on life, I see how personalities change and I am happy to see how people have become successful in their own way.

The reunion is over, and though 6 month down the line there is another one in the offing. I hope whatever friendships were built in the course of things hold and grow. These are the peple I wouldn’t min having a drink  with or coffee again and just have a chat again.  I had fun.

I’m out of my comfort zone, it’s not without it’s challenges but I have to say it was worth it.

2016 is not yet over. I have started a personal calendar of a different year which ended May 30 It was nice to cap it off with the reunion. What else could be in store for me? How will I cap of my 2016?  I still have a few more “firsts” on my list so I guess I should get moving.

Protected: Saving myself.

•May 3, 2016 • Enter your password to view comments.

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If you dare.

•September 12, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I asked myself could I love again? Am I brave enough to try once more?

Yes.

Yet this time I want love to find me. I want to feel how it is to be a priority.

If you come into my life, I want no ifs or buts. I tell you now that you need to know what is it you feel. What is it that you want? Decide if you want me to be part of your life. Decide that you want an “us”. Decide you want it to work. 

Demanding? Only because I can promise you I will give you as much of myself. Once I have made the decision to work on “us” with you that just means I have fallen in love with you. 

Overwhelming? I know I will be overwhelmed and most likely scared but I will work through my fears for you. Understand that when I love it will be with all that I have to give. Time, effort, understanding, energy, all you have to do is ask and we can make it work. But you better be ready for hugs, kisses, nuzzles, cuddles and even nibbles and bites because when I love you I may smother you with so much affection.

There now you know.

I’ve been through too much to play any more games. 

Whoever “you” are please understand all this and think really hard if this is what you want. It’s all simple and yet not. So look into yourself should you decide.

If you dare.

Day 4: Strange Phone Call

•September 4, 2015 • Leave a Comment

College has always been for me the best years when a lot of weird things happen. 

The strangest phone call I ever received was a death threat. Someone made an enemy of my brother for some reason and just like the movies targeted me as I was the sister.

“I know where you live, be careful I will kill you and make your brother watch”.

Since I knew who the person was my thoughts were simply to ask myself “should I be scared?”

I took some precautions still but otherwise it was just another day in my colorful college life.