Letting out the Inner Lady

I guess this would be my moment of cheesy thoughts as I write about…LOVE.
Yes, the four letter word that drives people to distraction and actions beyond belief.
Why do people even dare to fall in love? I know I used the word “Dare”.  I always thought that falling in love or being in a relationship for that matter as a risk. A risk people have been so willing to take over and over again. Some may not be so willing but still find themselves feeling this abstract emotion called love. Risking almost all, if not the whole of who you are and even baring your soul in the hopes of a future that is not filled with the excuse of being “alone but not lonely”.

I have gambled on that risk and I have lost.  But for every time that I have played my hand it was always close.  The whole deal would have been mine until the last card has been drawn only to find I have lost once and then twice over.

I thought it was time to stop.  It was time to stop the dreamer who had pictures of a home complete with nappy changes, dishes cooking and bedtime stories.  I took it to heart to stick to one thing that went right in my life. Work.  The young girl with dreams of wedding rings, veils was lost. The inner lady who wished to be wanted, wooed and made to blush was gone….so I thought.

The hopes I have had of a love like that of my parents have been crumbled more times than I care to think.  How was I to know that it would be possible to dream again.  They say “third time’s the charm” but also “bad luck comes in threes” so now what to believe?

The inner lady wants to believe someone would see beyond the smile that is just a mere decoration on my face and make it one that lights up her eyes.  Find that beyond the sarcasm is a soul that asks for a place to belong. Discover that underneath the veneer of a strong character is a broken person in need of mending and understanding.  Underneath that stark face is just another girl who would love to be hugged not just because she needs it but because it is freely given.

It seems that another chance has come and has coaxed out that inner lady.  Where it goes or where it ends? I do not know.  Again,  drawn to risk  and gamble but not because it is a game but because it is life where love is the dream.  Who knows?  Maybe third time is the charm.  I pray.

Moments of the insanely broken….

Here I go again. I’m driving myself crazy and taking people down with me. Sometimes I no longer want to feel because I cannot handle it well. Needy… I have to admit it I am needy. I try not to be but I guess there is nothing more to say as they would all be flimsy excuses. I am needy. No one deserves this noose of neediness around them. Allow me to untangle you from this but, allow me a short memory of knowing a life with you.  No one deserves to deal with the loopy person that I am. Just one of those desserts you can only take in small doses because you’d get sick with a a daily diet of my insanity. Call me emo and make fun of me all of you who read.  I guess I just do not handle being  sad like you people do.  I guess i’m just not as lucky.

The tears fall once more as I realize I may have made a mistake once more.  I cannot ask for anything more. You’ve only given what you said you would it is only I who ASSUMES I deserve more.  I’m tired, I can’t take this seesaw of emotions I get.

Let me survive this bout of what I hope is just PMS.

Striking up a conversation.

I have a habit of talking to the taxi cab drivers.  I think it started when I had to take a cab some time about 2 or 3 a.m. when the roads are quite clear except for the occasional car that was speeding.  The driver was sleepy and I could see him nodding off while managing the wheel.  Kind of scary sure but I guess weird  me thought ” I cant have an accident, I still have to report for work!” Hmmmmm I had to do something so I just started a conversation with the driver. I even offered him candy telling him that “hey you can’t fall asleep”  not yet at least I thought.  Yes, he took the candy and I started asking all about taxi routes and if they are still able to earn enough, the flag down rates and the gas rates the traffic anything i could think of to keep them awake.

I have even learned a lot about why they choose certain candidates now that the presidential elections is coming up.  I have got suggestions such as don’t vote for ____ he’s been around to long all he knows is how to make money. Don’t vote for _____either as he is not as clean as he would like to project.  I find these conversations interesting.  Some ask me to guess their age and then they continue on with the struggle it was to have a family.  They get really worked up on topics such as cab safety and abusive traffic enforcers and who could forget, the manic motorcycle drivers on the road.

The next time I ride a cab I wonder what our next topic is going to be.

On Dreams…

Life can get so busy that time passes you by so fast the next thing you know you feel old.
I feel old. Not just that. I realized I have forgotten to dream.
going from day to day thinking of your schedules and the “to do” list in your head can be so overwhelming. Still, although drowning it becomes routine. It’s like getting caught in the wave over and over again and you barely make it to the surface to catch your breath. Then the next wave hits. You just get caught up in trying to survive the next one.
Everyday, is just another wave you try to ride and find yourself sinking forgetting the wonder of being able to ride  it. getting caught up in the fear and never trying again.
I have let my life become like this. I have let simply surviving each day become my routine.
Now that I look back I find I have forgotten to dream. I have no dreams. I have no wishes because they are not practical. Feeling only half alive.
Now that I have started to dream again I find they easily crumble. When they don’t fall apart it’s almost as if it’s too good to be true so it must not be real. Now dreaming has become my fear. I seem to do better without them. At least somehow without them I can say I survived.
When I close my eyes and wait for sleep to bring me oblivion I hope not to dream. I’m not so sure I can go through waking to find all the happiness was just another dream.

Re-learning to Dream

I have been lucky because I grew up with a family that is whole and loving.  I must say I could not find any other couple like my parents. They look at each other and you could feel a love that never seems to grow old.  They are the couple that you could never imagine seeing them one without the other.  There are rare occasions where it happens but the connections is so tangible  even apart.  I guess you could say I searched for a love just like that.  I prayed forgetting maybe that the answer to prayers is sometimes a no or at least not now.  Twice I have tried and twice I have been face to face with pain.  Failed?  Now in hindsight I would not say I have failed. But, I have learned.

It is not without fear that again venture into the murky waters of a relationship.  All I take with me now is all the lessons i have learned from the past.  I’d like to think all of it was in preparation of appreciating what I have now.  Still it’s with caution that I move on to another “maybe someday”.

I fear pain because  now more than ever I have found myself again a dream.  I brace myself again should I lose something that is precious to me and for dreams that never come to be.

All that’s left is faith that there is going to be that someday when I learn to love again with all that I am and I have to give and know I am not alone even when fate pushes that I be apart.

Beyond Quarter Life Crisis

This was what I was told I was experiencing when I was 25.  Back then, I have spent a few years in a profession I enjoyed but it still lacked a factor that would make me feel alive.  I also saw then a future I could not accept for myself so I left.

I used to be a Secondary School Teacher. I taught World and Asian History in both English and Filipino as required.  I loved teaching. I still do. The way we get to interact with young minds has always been interesting for me.  Yet, something was still missing.  I could not see myself caught in a cycle of teaching the same information day in and day out. Also, I could not see myself seated talking about what’s new in the showbiz industry and what’s wrong with how some person is living their life.  I wanted something dynamic something different.

I got what I wanted.

Still, now that a little over 5 years has passed since I decided to change my life.  I now long for again a change.  Oddly enough,  for something still interesting but will still allow me to change how I currently live my life.  I am past the Quarter life crisis  now I am no longer in my 20′s. What my state now is called I don’t know.  I think it’s just time I re-think. What are my questions now? What are my answers?  How do I get there? Where is there?

I think I’ll sleep on it.