On Work and Friends

I Spent the weekend away from work. I was not happy at work anymore. I find myself wanting to isolation from the rest of the people. Pretending can get to you sometimes. Nothing seemed interesting anymore. No cause seemed to be worth fighting for. It’s sad because works has simply become that just- work. It is just another job.

So, I decided it was time for something else. I went to a my friends’ place. These people know “me”.

I talked about things other than work. I watched shows I have never heard of and learned of things on the internet I would never have found otherwise.  There is a life beyond work. There are people and lives that are interesting. It was healing.

The sad truth is that there is always a part of me I will never share with those people who know me from work. The good thing is I will always be grateful for this people these friends who know who I am though flawed, they love me.

thank you Jan again for the use of your pics

Some people would think they are just a whole bunch of mixed nuts. It doesn’t matter, nuts have always been good for the brain. And considering y mental state they are good for me. I love you Geekdom!

A little troubled

I live in a bubble.  What gets through is muted as it passes through a bubble membrane. I chose it to be this way. Again I find I am tired. So now I let life takes it course. Hold on to what others may call blind faith. It’s the right thing to do for now. But I still have my apprehensions and I’m still logical. Maybe too logical.  Feelings seem to only come second now.  Honestly I think it’s a cold hearted existence.  But it does not matter that much. Not for now.  I know I don’t make sense. It would if you were me.

Wandering

Today reminded me of a different time in my life.

I would walk pretending to have a purpose when I had none.

I was walking to no destination.

walking to no one.

Another day,another walk, to another coffee shop.

Counting the hours counting the minutes.

Counting down to nothing. For nothing.

I order my drink sit and watch life pass me by.

Living has stopped for me at that moment.

Living has become vicarious thru passersby.

A Part of me wants to scream and demand.

But that same part of me is just too weary.

Refusing to give fate the opportunity hurt.

I’m tired of picking myself up,

tired of wiping my own tears,

tired of putting on a brave face.

But still I do walk hoping for a destination,

Counting the hours go by and still I wait.

The sun has set, another day gone.

It’s time to walk on home.

Alone.

Berating Myself

audio: gravity- sara bareilles

How could I have forgotten how this felt like.

This feeling has been my companion several times over in the years before.

How could I not have noticed again I am becoming just a shadow of who I am and could be.  A shadow that fades to painful nothingness as my eyes watch the clock. As my ears wait for the sound of a phone ring or hope for a message.

How could I forget you love me for the independent streak in me.  How could I forget that what you want is someone who could stand on her own.  I guess I just never thought  this time, standing on my own feet doing my own thing would feel so lonely.

Expectations were set. I have no right to these tears. My apologies for being human. I was forewarned I should have listened right?  I guess I just had too much faith or maybe I am just too much of an idealist.

I have no right to rant or bear a grudge I guess given everything the circumstances just were never right.  There fore not your fault.  So again , I am just asking for more than you can give. That was wrong of me. I just thought relationships meant sometimes you don’t have to ask…at least sometimes . I don’t get it. I have nothing either way.  But I decided not to ask.

It’s time to remember that I am no doormat waiting to be tread on.  let this be a mental note to myself. I am alone always have always will be and I can only rely on me.Everything else is bonus.  Reminder to self: once the novelty wears off remember I am just another person amongst the crowd and no more special than any other. Time to stop the tears and toughen that heart. I’m  going to need it.

Days that never end

I hate it when I get this feeling. When your existence is pointless. Doing things because you don’t want people to be left hanging just because you no longer feel like you’re doing anything right or worthwhile. Sometimes it’s not even that there is just an overwhelming feeling of being tired. That’s it just TIRED. waking up is a chore and sometimes talking to people is a chore. If there was a doorway to another dimension I could escape to I would.

How do you remove the feeling of lethargy.
How is happiness a choice? How do you choose what you feel?

Silent Ranting

Lying in bed as the sun shines bright outside
for the day is my night and night is my day.
Huddled beneath  the blankets my mind wanders.
To moments when happiness was so real only to return to the now and feel the tears
streaming down my face as I think.
Thinking is so over rated.
It just makes me feel like a fool.
Driven with what may be imagined emotions,
emotions that I feel nonetheless.
Sometimes I don’t want to say things anymore.
They just sound like overwhelming complaints of a blathering idiot or a little bratty girl
lacking attention.
It’s making me more and more crazed,
more and more lonely, silent rants
just ending up with a soggy pillow.
I ask myself why do I go on then?
Because more often than not I am happy.
so happy I cannot seem to contain my giddiness.
A happy drunk with no morning after hangover.
Now I remind myself let things be.
It would fix itself to what end who knows but I need not fuss.
Reminding myself  I chose this path because I decided to be happy.
If all the pieces fall into place then the rant shall end.
All that is left is to do is  smile and sleep.

In the Third Person

You get that silly smile when you remember the craziness together.
Closing your eyes as you picture each detail, going through each second, each word that was uttered and each warm hug as you were held close.
Feeding on those memories like an emotional vampire stricken with sadness.
Holding on to your faith,
Holding on to a promise,
Even when it feels like you have been forgotten.
When out of sight seems out of mind.
You close your eyes
and like old dog-eared books you love,
You re-live those memories and hang-on.

Letting out the Inner Lady

I guess this would be my moment of cheesy thoughts as I write about…LOVE.
Yes, the four letter word that drives people to distraction and actions beyond belief.
Why do people even dare to fall in love? I know I used the word “Dare”.  I always thought that falling in love or being in a relationship for that matter as a risk. A risk people have been so willing to take over and over again. Some may not be so willing but still find themselves feeling this abstract emotion called love. Risking almost all, if not the whole of who you are and even baring your soul in the hopes of a future that is not filled with the excuse of being “alone but not lonely”.

I have gambled on that risk and I have lost.  But for every time that I have played my hand it was always close.  The whole deal would have been mine until the last card has been drawn only to find I have lost once and then twice over.

I thought it was time to stop.  It was time to stop the dreamer who had pictures of a home complete with nappy changes, dishes cooking and bedtime stories.  I took it to heart to stick to one thing that went right in my life. Work.  The young girl with dreams of wedding rings, veils was lost. The inner lady who wished to be wanted, wooed and made to blush was gone….so I thought.

The hopes I have had of a love like that of my parents have been crumbled more times than I care to think.  How was I to know that it would be possible to dream again.  They say “third time’s the charm” but also “bad luck comes in threes” so now what to believe?

The inner lady wants to believe someone would see beyond the smile that is just a mere decoration on my face and make it one that lights up her eyes.  Find that beyond the sarcasm is a soul that asks for a place to belong. Discover that underneath the veneer of a strong character is a broken person in need of mending and understanding.  Underneath that stark face is just another girl who would love to be hugged not just because she needs it but because it is freely given.

It seems that another chance has come and has coaxed out that inner lady.  Where it goes or where it ends? I do not know.  Again,  drawn to risk  and gamble but not because it is a game but because it is life where love is the dream.  Who knows?  Maybe third time is the charm.  I pray.

Moments of the insanely broken….

Here I go again. I’m driving myself crazy and taking people down with me. Sometimes I no longer want to feel because I cannot handle it well. Needy… I have to admit it I am needy. I try not to be but I guess there is nothing more to say as they would all be flimsy excuses. I am needy. No one deserves this noose of neediness around them. Allow me to untangle you from this but, allow me a short memory of knowing a life with you.  No one deserves to deal with the loopy person that I am. Just one of those desserts you can only take in small doses because you’d get sick with a a daily diet of my insanity. Call me emo and make fun of me all of you who read.  I guess I just do not handle being  sad like you people do.  I guess i’m just not as lucky.

The tears fall once more as I realize I may have made a mistake once more.  I cannot ask for anything more. You’ve only given what you said you would it is only I who ASSUMES I deserve more.  I’m tired, I can’t take this seesaw of emotions I get.

Let me survive this bout of what I hope is just PMS.

Striking up a conversation.

I have a habit of talking to the taxi cab drivers.  I think it started when I had to take a cab some time about 2 or 3 a.m. when the roads are quite clear except for the occasional car that was speeding.  The driver was sleepy and I could see him nodding off while managing the wheel.  Kind of scary sure but I guess weird  me thought ” I cant have an accident, I still have to report for work!” Hmmmmm I had to do something so I just started a conversation with the driver. I even offered him candy telling him that “hey you can’t fall asleep”  not yet at least I thought.  Yes, he took the candy and I started asking all about taxi routes and if they are still able to earn enough, the flag down rates and the gas rates the traffic anything i could think of to keep them awake.

I have even learned a lot about why they choose certain candidates now that the presidential elections is coming up.  I have got suggestions such as don’t vote for ____ he’s been around to long all he knows is how to make money. Don’t vote for _____either as he is not as clean as he would like to project.  I find these conversations interesting.  Some ask me to guess their age and then they continue on with the struggle it was to have a family.  They get really worked up on topics such as cab safety and abusive traffic enforcers and who could forget, the manic motorcycle drivers on the road.

The next time I ride a cab I wonder what our next topic is going to be.